It's Fleeting

Have you ever escaped to an exotic and unfamiliar destination meant to make you feel differently than you do? And it does for a while, in some ways, but those feelings wear quickly... The beauty of your surroundings becomes ordinary a bit too swiftly... Have you ever taken anything supposed to make you feel differently than you already do? And it does for a little while alter things and subdue, but my, that absent-minded state of being wears much too quickly... You feel everything again at some point, because the numbing haze was only ever temporary... Have you ever bought anything supposed to make you feel differently than you already do? And it does for a little while, make for something pretty and validating, but you get used to these pretty things don't you? And those initial rewarding feelings wear all too fast... And in time all these things wear too, the beauty fades, the standards change... It's fleeting.

Me in the South of France, feeling particularly inspired that day by the beautiful cathedral view from my balcony.

The past year was difficult for me, a time brimming with obstacles that tested my very purpose (I admittedly have not quite fully defined as I write this entry) and inner strength. You wouldn't have quite been able to guess that though by merely looking at me or interacting with me, and all that I put forth in the public eye and ear. To the outside world I appeared composed, content, perhaps even thriving... Nevertheless, behind closed doors I often suffered in silence, grappling with persistent heavy emotions and thoughts... I habitually contemplated the very nature of my existence and the choices that I had made, and those that awaited me... Was life all about choosing which cage we prefer to be in? Is worldly success measured by a specific set of burdens and chains? Who am I in this world? Why do I desire the things that I do? Does any of this truly matter? Oy vey, I am exhausted by this game - what the hell is this game anyway??

I have realized that while some cages are subjectively more comfortable than others, they are all still cages at the end of the day. Mere things cannot truly bring any of us happiness - that is an illusion. You may think you're escaping all your traumas and deep-seated issues by going away someplace, but you only bring them along with you for the relocation or vacation - resurfacing (for me at least) once the novelty and beauty of your changed surroundings becomes familiar and ordinary. There are many people in this world living according to an image (I admittedly do this at times) having bought into what this widely idealized image represents and symbolizes. These various things we typically use to pacify ourselves and add perceived value to ourselves are all fleeting... I feel as though something within all of us knows this - hence why we feel the inner discontentment at times, when everything we have and everything surrounding us is supposed to make us happy by societal standards...This and that too shall pass... Once it does pass, what exactly are any of us left with? It's fleeting.

And so, this year I am in search of something or someone who remains...